


Calculations

by SapphicDelights



Category: Sanvers - Fandom, Supergirl
Genre: F/F, FixitFic, Fluff, Sanvers - Freeform, Slow Burn, Smut, breakupangst, wlw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:42:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27339619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SapphicDelights/pseuds/SapphicDelights
Summary: Fix it fic, set 3 months after the breakup. This one is going to get pretty deep, and borderline messy, emotionally. It is mostly Maggie's perspective. Things from the show will be referenced, but mostly the material here will be post split. Channeling a lot of post break up feelings that are often not spoken about with this one too. If anything feels out of character for Maggie, it is intended, and will be remedied- or at least explained.*It has been brought to my attention that there is a formatting issue in Chapter 1. I’ve tried to remedy it, and have not been able to find a happy medium between mobile, and full site viewing. The issue into seems to be in the first chapter. I’ve reached out to AO3 for resolution.*
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer
Comments: 19
Kudos: 81





	1. Chapter 1

It had been 3 months, to the day, since their breakup. Not that she was counting. She shook her head and laughed at herself. Of course she was counting. This was the night she was supposed to be marrying the one person who ever made her feel like she belonged. Counting was all she did these days. The days since Alex ended everything, the hours until she had to be at the station, the hours until she could leave once she got there. She counted the shots she slammed back at Dolly’s, as well as the absent minded games of pool she played. She counted the blocks home, and how many times she fell into bed emotionally spent and completely alone, just to wake up and do it all over again. She had experienced breakups before, and they all sucked, but nothing like this. Never anything like this perpetual hell, she could not seem to find her way out of. Maggie began to wonder if she would ever feel normal again, whatever the fuck that meant. How could anything ever be normal after Alex Danvers?

Her phone blared next to her head, and startled her awake. She bolted upright, and reached for it. She saw the time and cringed, as she saw her Captain’s name flashing on her phone screen. Fuck. “Sawyer” she answered, trying to sound alert, and not like she had been yanked from the depths of a REM state, her only reprieve from the bullshit these days. “You planning on showing up today, Mags? I know you have not been handling this well, and I know that you are doing your best to get through, but maybe it’s time you take some real time off.” She pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes tightly, trying to get a handle on the anger coursing through her veins. “I don’t think time off would help me, as today is the day my wife and I were supposed to be leaving for Sicily, to celebrate the wedding we were supposed to 12 hours ago.” Counting, yet again, she thought. “Sawyer, you know I have empathy for your situation, but I can’t keep making excuses for you. Get down here.” “In route, Sir. Understood. ETA 25 minutes.” She ended the call, and threw the covers off of her, hurriedly readying herself for the day. 

She decided to forego a shower, to stop and get an espresso. She felt like she was going to need it when Cap was done with her. She looked like shit, and she felt like it too. She changed her clothes, but was sure she still smelled like a distillery. As she approached the coffee shop, she saw the line, and muttered a line of expletives as she checked the time. 9:37am, 13 minutes until she needed to be there. Fuck it, she was already in hot water, she may as well get something she enjoyed. She placed her coffee order on her phone, and tucked it away to wait. As she glanced up, her heart stopped, and all breath seemed to have left her body. She reached for anything to ground her, but found nothing there. Losing her footing a bit, she eventually met the side of a concrete wall. It was about this time, Alex looked directly at her, on the arm of someone she did not recognize. This was really not her fucking week. Alex gave her a small, sympathetic smile. She wanted to scream, and punch the wall currently holding her up. Alex knew her, and could see she was on the verge of a panic attack. She whispered something to the woman she was with, and began to walk towards Maggie. No. God. Please no. 

Maggie pushed off the wall, and wiped her scraped hand on her jeans, trying to stand a little taller, and not look quite as broken as she felt. Today, of all days. Alex walked with such confidence, such focus. Maggie flashed back to the times Alex would catch her eye from across whatever room they were in, and walk towards her with a knowing prowl. She made Maggie feel like she was the only person in the room, and she never got quite used to being so completely wanted, but she was getting used to being someone she loved. “Maggie.”  
Alex said it with a tenderness Maggie had missed more than anything else, and that was saying a hell of a lot, because she missed literally everything. Alex’s eyes combed over her appearance, and lingered a bit on her hand, scraped up and bleeding, from catching her fall. “Breathe. In, hold, out.” Her hands were on her hips, full doctor mode. “In, hold, out.” Maggie followed her commands, slowly feeling her breath even out. Alex nodded, and repeated the mantra once more. “Order for Maggie.” Maggie’s eyes snapped toward the barista, not realizing the line had simply moved around her. Alex held up her hand to let Maggie know she had it. Maggie nodded, and kept breathing. When Alex returned with her coffee, Maggie had evened out enough to ground herself. She was still shaking, but that was less anxiety, and more the close proximity to Alex. Their fingers brushed as the coffee passed between their hands. Maggie’s eyes closed without thought, as she sucked in a sharp breath. “Th-Thannks.” Alex took a step back, and pursed her lips into what Maggie presumed was supposed to be a smile. “You okay from here?” Maggie’s eyes flashed to her’s. “Yeah. Thanks.” Alex nodded and eyed the hand holding the cup. “Ice that after you clean it, okay?” Maggie nodded. Alex returned it, and held up a hand, as she turned to walk away.” Maggie leaned back against the wall and watched her walk away, again.

Maggie strolled into the station, and walked right into the captain's office. She did not care what was to come, it could not be any worse than what just happened. She closed the door behind her, and sat down. "Maggie. I am going to be frank. You look like shit. You smell like it too. You are covered in sweat, and look like you've seen a ghost. I would not trust you to watch my beta fish right now. When was the last time you ate, or bathed?" Maggie chuckled, and took another drink from her cup. It burned her throat, and she was glad it did. "Nothing about this is funny. People are worried about you. I am worried about you. I wanted to give you the option, but after seeing you today, it is not up for debate. I know the timing is shit, but so is life. Mandatory time off begins now. We will start with two weeks, and revisit then. Badge and gun, please." Maggie laughed out loud this time, while shaking her head. She stood, eyeing the Captain, and choking down the rest of her drink. She unclipped her badge and gun, and laid them on the desk, wordlessly- before turning and walking out the door.


	2. Outlook

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Maggie run into one another again much by Alex's design. Maggie is forced to take time off. Alcoholism is touched upon. Kara and Lena make an appearance. Winn is mentioned. Our leading ladies have a heated talk where much is revealed, and cannon things are touched upon, with a twist.

Maggie found herself at Dolly’s within minutes of leaving the station. She was on her third shot when she felt someone behind her. She did not have to turn around to know who it was. She felt the stool beside her shift, and saw Alex’s hands land on the bar top. She dared not raise her eyes from the shot glass she was holding so tightly it may shatter any moment. As the bartender approached, Alex signalled for another round. Maggie took her last shot, and placed it upside down on the bar in front of her. Suddenly she heard Alex for some ice and a bar towel. She eyed her hand, which she instinctively knew Alex ordered that for. It was fine, just a scrape, and paled in comparison to everything else she felt. She did not have it in her to fight Alex though, so when Lyla approached her with it, she took it, and thanked her numbly. When she came back with the shots, Alex passed them to Maggie. “Trying to get me drunk, Danvers?” Alex gave her a curt smile, and laced her fingers together. Maggie downed the first one. “Tough crowd.” Alex did not react. Maggie slammed back the second one. She rolled the shot glass in her hand, watching the amber liquid roll around. Alex continued looking straight ahead, in silence. Maggie pushed the last shot towards her. Alex shook her head, and continued her visual assault on the wall behind the bar. “Suit yourself, Doc.” Maggie downed the last one. Alex rose, laid a few bills on the bartop, and turned to Maggie, lighty grabbing her elbow to lead her away from the bar. 

She was a little shaky on her feet. She was not drunk by any means, but she was certainly feeling the shots more than she would like to admit, as Alex helped steady her. They walked outside and the sunlight assaulted her eyes. Alex reached into her jacket and pulled out her aviators, and handed them to Maggie. Maggie accepted them, and they walked in silence. Eventually they rounded the corner to her building. Maggie abruptly stopped. “How do you know where I live?” Alex eyed her darkly. Maggie shook her head, exasperated. She wanted to fight back, but she was too tired. She felt defeated in every single way, and was now on the verge of being drunk, and just wanted to get inside and crash. Alex touched the floor level once inside the elevator, and led Maggie right to 307. She fumbled for her keys, dropping them. Alex bent down and grabbed them, easily sliding the single gold key into the lock. She led Maggie inside and quickly assessed the place, before leading her to bed. She gently sat her down on the edge of it, and knelt to remove her boots. She stood, and made her way to the kitchen, and filled a large glass with water. She reached in her jacket pocket and removed a bottle of Tylenol, that she sat on the bedside table next to the water. “Take 2, and drink this. Sleep.” Maggie nodded, and did as she was told, as Alex watched her closely. Maggie was far too gone to wonder what that look plastered on her face meant. She felt her eyes close, as she saw Alex nearing the door to leave, no doubt.

When she woke 10 hours later, she blinked slowly, letting her surroundings come into focus. There was another glass of water on the bedside table, as well as two blue pills laid out. She sat up in a rush, the memories of yesterday rushing back over her. Fuck. Alex was here, she saw the state of this place, and of her. She did not want the pity of the person who ruined her life. She had done enough damage, truly. She angrily grabbed the Tylenol, and washed them down with water. She decided she needed a shower, so stood to head that way, before she was stopped in her tracks by a clean apartment. She exhaled sharply, and laughed with anger. Of course she did. Typical Alex. This just adds insult to injury, but she did not think of that, did she? No. Order always with that one. She ripped her clothes off, and pushed into the bathroom to see Neosporin and a bandage laid out on the counter. She shoved the shower curtain open, and stepped inside, turning the shower as hot as she could stand it, to wash away her shame, and anger. She also let herself cry. For all she had, and lost. For allowing herself to let someone in this deeply. For letting a breakup cost her the only thing she had left, her reputation at work. Mostly though, she cried for the way that Alex swooped in, and saw her this way. She also cried because as much as she hated the circumstances, it felt good to have Alex care for her again. The way she used to, back when she believed she would call her wife. She cried until the water turned cold. She quickly dressed, and decided she was going to go for a ride on her bike. She was not sure where she was going, but she had nothing but time, and an open road. She packed a small bag, and grabbed her glass to deposit in the sink. She rounded the island bar to see a takeout container and cup. Sesame Seed Bagel, and black coffee awaited her. Maggie scoffed, and threw them away, before exiting the apartment and heading to her bike.

She made it about 5 miles before her stomach growled. She decided to stop off at a little cafe for something, anything but a sesame bagel and black coffee. She pushed the anger down, and stepped inside. She ordered a soy latte, and a pumpkin muffin. She took her bag outside, and found a bench overlooking the park. She was a few bites in when she heard a familiar laugh. Kara’s. She hadn’t heard it in months now. Not since she asked Kara to stop checking in, as it was too difficult to heal. Kara was sad, but understood. Maggie leaned into the sound of her laugh, and smiled. She deserved the world, and it sounded like the beautiful woman with her was doing just that. She chuckled when the beautiful woman came into focus, and she realized it was Lena. Their arms were linked, and they were smiling at one another like only lovers do. As they approached, she stood, and headed to the trash can to deposit her cup and bag. Completely unaware of her, she smiled, and watched them share a kiss as they passed her. Good for you, little Danvers. Good for you.

When she neared her bike, she saw another one parked next to it. She did not need to get any nearer to know whose bike that was. Alex. She hadn’t seen her in months, and now she could not go anywhere without seeing her, it seemed. She had it now. She stood next to the bike and waited. She was ready now, to let Alex know exactly what she thought. She was going over the script in her mind again, readying herself with all the ammunition necessary to make her feel half as bad as she did, when she saw her open the door. The sunlight caught her hair, and covered her face. She was in her leather riding gear, and completely bare faced. She looked like a badass angel. Maggie’s breath caught in her throat. It was about this time, Alex caught her eye. Maggie took a step towards her, as Alex closed the distance between their bikes. They stood there in silence for what felt like minutes before Maggie shifted. “I didn’t expect to see you here, but I suspect you did expect to see me here.” Alex looked puzzled. “I didn’t. I went for a ride early this morning, and met Kara here for brunch.” Maggie nodded, face red with embarrassment. “Oh, right.I didn’t mean to insinuate you would.” Alex held up her hand to stop her. “Maggie. Can we talk?” “Don’t know what there is to say.” “A lot, and I think you know that.” Maggie looked down, deciding there was no time like the present. “I have nothing but time.” Alex nodded knowingly. “I heard. One of the many things I want to talk about. Not here though. Care to take a walk?” Maggie looked around. “Sure, but not here. I know a place, but it’s a few miles outside the city. Care to take a ride?” Alex studied her face for any hesitation, wanting to be sure she was sure of this. “Sure. Lead the way.”

They arrived at a small pull off, that opened up into a trail, that led to a clearing with a view of the city. Maggie stopped her bike, and sat there for a few moments, clearing her head, and readying her heart. Alex followed her lead, and sat back observing Maggie. It occurred to her that she had never looked so small. She had lost weight, sure- but she just seemed smaller. Maybe it was the first time she had just not the energy to keep up the facade of the larger than life attitude she wore so well. Alex wondered what else she had missed. She was pulled from her thoughts when she saw Maggie standing and removing her helmet. She had always loved the way her loose curls cascaded down her shoulders as she shook her hair into place after. Maggie took a deep breath and turned around to face her. When their eyes met, they both knew this was going to be the conversation that was going to hurt, but ultimately help them heal. “I imagine we are going to be here for a bit, want to sit? There are a few benches tucked away from the outlook.” Alex nodded, and gestured for Maggie to lead the way. “It’s beautiful here.” Maggie nodded. “Come here often?” Maggie breathed heavily. “Alex, please.” Alex stiffened. “Sorry, I just...” “Alex, why did you come to the bar yesterday? Maggie had turned on her heel in an instant, and was looking at her with the same determination she used with perps. Her arms were crossed, and her weight resting on her right foot. Alex sighed, and met her eyes, while nervously twisting her hands in front of her. “I was worried about you.” Maggie actually laughed. “You were worried about me? That’s rich. Have you been worried about me at all since that day? You sure have not been around. Now all the sudden you know where I live, where I eat, and apparently my employment status.” 

Alex sighed. She deserved that. “Maggie, you know I care. I will always care. I did not intend to run into you yesterday, but when I saw you, and saw how unwell you were, I just felt like I needed to help you. You never did well when those spells came on, and certainly not in public. You didn’t look like you, and it concerned me.” “It isn’t your concern, as I am no longer your concern, Alex.” That slammed into Alex like a ton of bricks. “Perhaps not, Maggie, but I did it anyway, didn’t I?” “Yeah, you damn sure did. Impulsive as usual. Looking before you leap is your speciality, isn’t it? Marry me, Maggie- so I can lie to your face for months, and then leave you for a notion of some distant motherhood dreamscape. I would have respected you more if you just told me I was not enough, or at least not what you wanted.” “You don’t really think that, do you?” Alex was numb, and sure she was going to throw up. Maggie was glad. It felt so good to let this out. She was practically vibrating. “Think it? I know it. One day we are talking a lifetime of firsts, and the next kids come up, even though you literally never mentioned them before. Maybe there was someone else who caught your eye. Shiny and new, remember? Maybe the Woman I saw you with yesterday. 3 months isn’t long enough to look that cozy with someone.” Alex balled her fists at her sides and viscerally attempted to swallow her rage. “That is too far, Maggie. You know I would have never. I could have never. I’m not.” Alex took a deep breath and ran her hand through her hair with one hand, while tracing her lips with the other. A small tell Maggie had picked up on when Alex was trying to make sense of something. “That is my sponsor.” I haven’t touched a drop in 61 days. After you, after us, it became clear to me that I had an issue. We had coffee to celebrate this. She reached in her pocket and showed Maggie the coin signifying 60 days sober. She placed the coin back in her pocket, and sighed. “This hasn’t been easy on me either, Maggie.”

Maggie’s eyes snapped up. “YOU CHOSE IT, ALEX!” Alex jumped at the sound of Maggie raising her voice. “You just woke up one day and fucking chose this for us. I had no say. YOU chose to end it. YOU chose to walk away. YOU chose to alter the rest of our lives on a whim, and you did not even allow me to rebuttal. I had no say. YOU took it all away. You threw me away, you threw us away. You did that, Alex.” Alex allowed the tears to fall now. “I know, Maggie. I know. I have to live with it everyday. I know what I did, and I know how unfair it seems, but we wanted such different futures, didn’t we? How could I have lived knowing I gave up the one thing I’ve always wanted. How could you live with me, knowing you were doing something you never wanted? I could not stand the thought of you waking up one day, and hating me for ruining your life.” Maggie now let her tears fall too. “So you just chose to spare me the pain on the inevitable, is that it? Hurt me before I hurt you? Leave before you’re left? Didn’t think you were a coward, Alex. Guess I didn’t think a lot of things.” 

Alex shifted her weight, and jutted her jaw out, clearly trying to keep her chill. Maggie knew the coward line would get her. “Maggie, I am many things, but a coward is not one of them. I know that you know that, and I know you are trying to hurt me as I hurt you. You’re doing exceedingly well, I may add.” Maggie held her gaze, unrelenting. “Why did you come to the bar, Alex? You were worried, okay? But you bought me shots, and took me home, and cleaned my place? I mean, what the hell, Alex? You are sober now, and you went to a bar?” Alex perked up at that, “Gee. I didn’t think you cared.” Maggie rolled her eyes, and scoffed. “I came to the bar because I knew it was where you would be after you were forced to take time off. The chief called and tipped the DEO off, because he did not trust that you would actually stand down. Winn told me, and I just needed to make sure you were okay. I know what that job means to you, and I know it has been all you’ve had for a long time.” Alex looked up at Maggie, trying to read her, but Maggie stood tall, poker face firmly in place, minus the tears on her cheeks. “I bought you a round, because I knew you wanted to forget. I am no stranger to that, as you well know. I took you home because you were drunk at 2pm, and did not want you to make any decisions you would regret, should you have kept going. I cleaned your place because it was a mess. It stresses you out when things are not well kept, and honestly, it stressed me out to see you living that way. I know your address because I had to have it for refunds on wedding things, and instead of reaching out, I would use the database at work to find it. I’ve never not been thinking of you, Maggie.”

Maggie wanted to scream, cry, and completely disappear at the same time. This woman was infuriating with her complexities, from one extreme to the next. “I don’t like seeing you like this. You don’t look well. I know you are not eating, and I know that you’re drinking in excess. I know your work has been slipping, and I know you spend almost all of your time at Dolly’s. This is not you, Maggie.” Maggie laughed crudely. “You don’t know anything, Alex. How would you feel if the situation were reversed? What if you were in my shoes? What if I left you, and kept everyone and everything? What if you lost the family it took you 13 years to find? Would you be fine? Would you want to do anything but cry, drink, and forget?” Alex tried to muffle a sob unsuccessfully. Maggie just watched her cry, not even attempting to ease her pain. The realization wrecked her. She had only ever wanted to protect Alex, and here she was destroying her.


	3. Division

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Maggie finish their talk. Maggie is an accident. Alex cares for her at DEO. There are a few flashbacks to the show, as pertaining to their relationship.

"I'm sorry, Maggie." "Save it, Alex. You came, you saw, you attempted to assuage your guilt. You failed. Anything else I can do for you?" Maggie could not believe the venom with which she was speaking, but she could see it slamming into Alex with the weight of her pain, and that was enough for now. Alex gathered herself, and wiped her tears, finally sitting down on the bench Maggie walked them to. She crossed her legs, and placed her hands on her knees, as she peered out over the city. She remained silent a moment, collecting her thoughts. Maggie observed her with a close eye, not understanding what was coming next, or why she felt compelled to follow Alex's lead and take a seat. "Kara flew by every night. I made her give me a full report. No detail unsaid. I am very aware of what I did to you, until you told her to stay away, that is. She refused to invade your privacy once you created that boundary. I hated her for it." Alex's eyes found Maggie's. "I know I hurt you, and I know why it hurt you as deeply as it did. I know this reopened wounds I promised I would help you heal. I know you let me in far more deeply than anyone. I know I failed you. I know I took your life from you. I know that I am responsible for it all. The truth is that when I saw you yesterday, I saw for myself, in your physicality, what I had done. I also knew I was the reason for your spell. I hated myself for walking away, but I knew I had to, because I was the issue. I left you, and I called my sponsor. It broke me to see you so broken- by me. Kelly talked me through it, and I went to work. It was incredibly foolish of me to go to that bar, because all I wanted was to get lost in a bottle, and forget the panic I saw in your eyes. I came anyway, because I knew the one thing stronger than my love of the drink, was my love for you."

Maggie's eyes snapped to Alex. "Your love for me?" It was barely a whisper, but loud enough for Alex to hear. She said nothing, allowing Maggie to process. "I told Kara to stay away because it was too hard to see her, and not ask about you. I knew I had to put distance there, or I would never get over you." Maggie looked so vulnerable, and sad. It made Alex's heart ache more deeply than she had ever known possible. She slowly reached for Maggie's hand. "She understood. Everyone did." Maggie's breath caught at the tenderness in her voice and her touch. "Maggie, please look at me." She obliged. Alex tightened her hold on Maggie's hand, and took a deep breath, clearly trying to hold back tears. "I am sorry I could not be what you needed." Maggie's head fell forward, pushing Alex's hand away. "Please go." Alex nodded, and stood. "You were enough, Maggie. You were more than enough. I would not be here if it weren't for you. I am thankful for every beautiful second we shared, and I am thankful you let me love you." Maggie felt her resolve slipping, and knew she should not look up at the beautifully complex woman before her, so she kept her head hidden. "See you around, Mags." As soon as the sound of footsteps disappeared, sobs racked through her body until she could no longer feel. 

Once she stilled her tears, Maggie decided it was time to say goodbye to the hellscape of pain surrounding her for a bit, and got back on the road. She loved the feeling of her bike under her, the way the wind whipped at her body. She loved the way she became one with her bike, especially around deep curves. She loved how vibrant everything looked around her, and how the only sound she could hear was the motor roaring ahead. When she was on her bike, she felt free- almost untouchable. Why had she stopped doing this? Her head felt clear, and she felt like she could breathe for the first time in a long time. Until the wind was knocked from her lungs, and she felt herself losing control of the bike. The last thing she saw was a concrete barrier, and then darkness.

_Asphalt. Lights. Voices. Her helmet being removed. Something sticky was on her face. Was that blood? What happened? Darkness._

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_The steady beep of monitors. Tape on her hand. The smell of antiseptic. Hospital? Darkness._

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_Voices. Lights. Something cold on her chest. Stethoscope? She tried to open her eyes more fully. What was clamped on her finger? She tried to shake it off. She could not move. Panic. Machines beeping. Something encasing her mouth and nose. Darkness._

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Her eyes opened slowly, taking a moment to adjust to the dim lighting around her. Her mouth was dry, and her lips felt chapped. Her legs were stiff, and her arms felt limp. Her entire body hurt, and it was difficult to breathe. She attempted to shift in the bed, and gasped in pain, grabbing her ribs. Within seconds she heard next to her, and looked towards it to see Alex rushing towards her. “Maggie! Thank God!” It was then Maggie realized she was at the DEO. Medbay 2, in fact. The same place Alex had been taken after the tank. “I love you, Maggie Sawyer.” Maggie closed her eyes at the memory, tears pooling in her eyes. “Alex.” A hand cupped her face. “Is this a dream?” Alex choked back tears. “No, Mags. It isn’t.” Maggie could not bring herself to look down at her body, keeping her eyes screwed shut against Alex’s hand. “What happened? Why am I here?” Alex took a deep breath, moving closer, and sitting on the bed. She dropped her hand from Maggie’s face, and held her hands. “You were in an accident. Do you remember anything?” She shook her head no. “Can you look at me?” Maggie shook her head no. Alex smiled tightly. Maggie could not see it, but she could hear it. “Maggie, you’re okay. Just a little bruised up. Can you please look at me?” Maggie stilled herself and took a deep breath. It was almost comical how childlike she was as she opened them to Alex. Such trepidation and wonder as she did. 

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Her eyes darted from one corner to the next, from the windows to the door, from her hands to Alex’s eyes. “Breathe. You’re okay.” Maggie nodded, remembering just then to do so. “What happened?” “Your front tire blew going around a curve. You lost control and hit a concrete barrier.” Maggie sunk back into her pillows. 

____

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_Asphalt. Lights. Voices. Her helmet being removed._

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She shuddered. 

_____ _

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_Something encasing her mouth and nose. Darkness._

______ _ _

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______ _ _

She pulled her hands from Alex’s and wrapped them around herself. She felt herself starting to shake. Alex stood, giving her space to process everything. “Who found me?” Alex stiffened at the fear in Maggie’s voice. Strong, confident, tough Maggie. She shook the thought away. “Motorist coming the opposite way. Fortunately she had medical training, and was able to keep you stable until the medics arrived.” “How did I get here?” Alex smiled sadly. “I’m still your emergency contact.” Maggie’s eyes closed, and she shuttered through a deep breath, grabbing at her ribs. Alex rushed over, moving Maggie’s hands, and lifting the thin robe she was in to assess the injury there. The precision and skill with which Alex worked always fascinated Maggie. She was never more determined than when she had on her doctor hat. “There is no new bleeding, and while the bruising is darker than I like, as long as you truly take it easy, and let the stitches heal, I don’t think you will even have a scar. 

______ _ _

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_“I just don’t think you’re very good at this.” “Oh, really? I guess the medicine is kicking in, because you are done.”_

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_______ _ _ _

Motherfucker, how many memories can this woman have over me? “Maggie? Where did you go?” Maggie shifted her eyes to Alex, a small smile still on her lips. “How many times have yous stitched me up now?” Alex allowed herself a small laugh. “Three, but who is counting?” Maggie smiled, looking at the playful glint in Alex’s eyes. They held it for a moment before Alex spoke again. “We did a few scans to ensure there was no swelling in the brain, or issues with your spine. You have no broken bones, or internal damage. Your ribs are bruised on the right side, and there is a laceration there as well. That is where you took most of the impact. We kept you under for a bit to ensure you were comfortable, and also so you would not hurt yourself when you woke, if you didn’t remember. We are going to keep you overnight, but you can go home tomorrow morning as long as all goes well tonight.” “Thanks. Doc.” Alex rolled her eyes. “How long have I been here anyway?” “Two days now.” Maggie baulked, and then tapped the IV. “What’s the street name for this shit?” Alex laughed heartily. “Morphine.” Maggie smirked. “Thank you for taking care of me. You didn’t have to, and I appreciate that. I will, uh, make sure that contact is changed.” Alex nodded sadly, averting her eyes. “Right, well, I’ll be down the hall if you need me.” Maggie nodded in return, trying to figure out what had taken over Alex in the last few seconds. Before she could ask, Alex was gone.

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	4. Inversion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dark rooms lead to illuminations. Alex and Maggie get pretty honest in this one. Maybe they share a kiss. :)

Alex barely made it out of Maggie’s room before she felt the tears begin to sting in her eyes. Covering her face, she hastily walked to the one place she hoped she wouldn’t be bothered. She closed the door to the forgotten interrogation room behind her, and leaned against the cool glass, letting the darkness envelop her. Of course Maggie would change her emergency contact. She gave up that right, when she gave her up. Alex let herself cry harder at that thought, as she slid down the wall, holding her head in her hands, trying to keep herself grounded in some way. She hadn’t really allowed herself to feel any of this since she saw Maggie, and now it seemed she could not stop feeling it all. The loss, the fear, the anger, the regret, the love. She missed her. In fact, she didn’t think she would ever stop missing her. She held herself, and let the sobs come. Thankfully, nobody could hear a thing outside these soundproof walls. 

She startled as the door opened slowly, sucking in a breath, and wiping her eyes. She stood up quickly and put her shoulders back. She may not look her best, but she would not look weak, especially at work. These agents put their lives in her hands each day, and they would never feel comfortable doing so if they saw her sobbing on the floor like this. She chastised herself inwardly, and locked her jaw in place, waiting for the lights to come on. They did not. It was not until she heard the unique sound of the IV post scratching the floor, did she realize it was Maggie. Of course she had come here. Sweet, caring, always attentive, and observant Maggie. As quickly as she smiled, the smile fell. Reality hitting her. She heard the door close, and the pole dragging until it hit the metal table. Then the chair being pulled back, and Maggie’s soft gasp of pain as she sat. Alex was angry she was out of bed, touched she was here, and also impressed she remembered the room’s layout so well.

“You shouldn’t be out of bed, and you certainly shouldn’t be bumping around in the dark.” Alex said, in what she thought was going to be a commanding tone, but landed more as a whisper. Maggie smiled softly. Alex couldn’t see it, but she could hear it. “I’m a detective, remember, Agent Danvers? I detect.” Both of their hearts swelled at the memory. “Indeed, I do, Sawyer. How could I ever forget?” Alex walked over to the table, and took the seat across from Maggie. “This isn’t how I saw this night going, I have to say.” Maggie chuckled. “Do you remember, in the beginning, seeing yourself in an intimate way was scary to you?” Alex blushed. “I do.” “I think there is a lot that needs to be said, and seeing as how neither of us are good talking about ourselves on display, maybe this is a better way.” Alex took a long pause, and tried to focus on Maggie’s features in the dark. She could just barely make out her silhouette, complete with IV pole. Her throat contracted, choking down tears. 

“It is easier to be angry with you, without those puppy dog eyes staring back at me.” Maggie laughed. She missed the jokes, and easy banter. She missed Alex getting lost in her eyes. She missed everything. “When I got the call today, my world stopped. I could not focus on anything but getting you here, and ensuring you were well. It felt like I didn’t breathe for hours. I counted every minute, every heartbeat. I saw you completely unconscious, Maggie. The closest to death I’ve ever seen you.” Alex paused to gather herself, the emotion clear in her voice. “I kept thinking back to the tank, and all the things we said to one another then. The confessions and promises we made.” Alex stood up, and began to pace the small area, with her hands on her hips. Maggie smiled at how very ‘Alex” that move was. She was never able to sit for long, and certainly not when she was overcome with any sort of emotion. They had some of their best sex from that personality trait. Another thing she missed.

“I saw this life for us, and I never bothered to consult you. I just saw you, the kids, the house, the dog. That was the vision, the end goal. I have been trained my entire life to acquire the target. Oftentimes, being impulsive saves the day. It is literally the difference between life and death. I never stopped to think that perhaps with relationships, the opposite could be true. I wanted kids, and I wanted you.” Alex stopped pacing. Maggie could not see her eyes, but she felt them, staring right into her own. “Maggie, I need to see you to say this. I have to get it out.” Maggie’s breath hitched. “If I don’t it may kill me.” Alex took a deep breath, steadying herself, as she walked to Maggie, and found her hand in the dark, as she took her seat. “Okay.” It was barely a whisper, but it was enough for Alex to register. She reached across the table and turned on the lamp. Both of their eyes closed, needing a moment to adjust. They blinked through the adjustment, both lines of sight landing on their hands intertwined. Alex attempted to pull away, but Maggie stilled here. Wincing slightly from moving too quickly. Alex arched an eyebrow at her, before her eyes went soft. “Okay. I’m here.” Alex squeezed her hand. Maggie looked so small, so tired. Not at all defeated though. Alex never understood how so much strength came from someone so tiny in stature. Alex smiled at the thought, making eye contact with Maggie, who was watching her curiously. 

Alex cleared her throat. “I always wanted you, Maggie. I wanted to marry you. I just think I got scared. The minute you told me you did not want kids, something flipped inside of me. It did not, has not, and could not ever change how I feel about you- I need you to know that.” Alex took a breath, averting her gaze, before finding her way back to those hauntingly beautiful chocolate orbs. “My blueprint needed to change, and I tried to be okay with it, I did. We already had so much planned in the way of the wedding, and you were so excited, and I just kept pushing everything down. I thought it was nerves, you know?” Maggie’s eyes filled with tears. She slowly pulled her hand from Alex’s, looking down. “You didn’t want to marry me?” Her voice had never been more small, and Alex hated herself for being the reason this beautiful woman was hurting, yet again. “No, Maggie, I did. Of course, I did. I just didn’t know how to tell you that not wanting kids was a dealbreaker for me. I just let you go on thinking it was fine, and it wasn’t. I lied to you, for months, about that. Only ever about that. Nothing else. How I felt about you was real. IS real, Maggie. I still feel the same way about you now, as I did then. I’ve never stopped loving you, and I don’t think I ever will.” 

“What am I supposed to do with that, Alex?” Maggie was numb. “I love you, and you love me, but we can’t be together? Make it make sense.” Alex looked up at her with a stunned expression. “You love me?” Maggie scoffed. “Of fucking course, I do, Alex. What kind of question is that?” Alex began to cry. “I thought you hated me.” Maggie smiled, “I tried to. I really did. It just never quite stuck.” Alex sighed, and closed her eyes, trying desperately not to let her tears fall. “In the spirit of honesty, I have to say that I knew from the moment you kissed me in that bar, I knew this had a chance of going south.” Maggie smiled. “I ran at first because I was scared you wanted a girlfriend more than you wanted me. I meant what I said that night. These things do rarely work out. I tried to keep that boundary up, but also keep you in my life. Eventually it became too difficult for me. I always wanted you, Alex. Hell, I still do, and probably always will.” Alex sat down, unable to do much but breathe, and stare wordlessly at Maggie. “Then you let me kiss you, and I was completely gone for you.” Maggie smiled at the memory, reaching for Alex’s hand, squeezing lightly. “Then you got scared when Kara went missing, and you ran. I knew then that we both had the same pattern of running, and the risk of this not working grew. I never thought we wouldn’t make it though.”  
Alex smiled sadly, and bit her lip in contemplation. “We were always leaving each other, weren’t we?” Maggie patted her hand, and pulled away. She wiped her own tears, and sighed, taking a moment to gather herself. “I say all of this to say precisely that. Maybe we weren’t meant to be a forever thing, though I wanted with all of me for that to be so. With that being said, you were my family. We weren’t just dating, we were a family. I miss that, and I miss you. I know these circumstances are less than ideal, and I know I am very doped up, but I also know that I meant it all that time ago when I said I didn’t want to imagine my life without you in it.” Alex looked up, their eyes meeting, and dancing between dilated pupils, and soft lips. “Maggie, what are you saying?” Maggie took a beat before standing. Alex jumped to help her, but Maggie held her hand up, wincing as she steadied herself. She placed a hand on her stomach, and took a deep breath. “I think the pressure of labeling forever so quickly took us out, Alex. I think the pressure of the future did too. We never had time to live in the moment. It was always this vision ahead.” 

Alex stepped back, and nodded, hands on her hips. Maggie swallowed thickly and met her gaze. “All I want to do is kiss you.” Alex gasped, and her mouth fell open. Maggie chuckled. “I would have thought you would have that gay panic under control by now.” Alex blushed. Maggie took a step forward, and placed Alex’s hair behind her ear delicately. “I like this new look. Suits you.” Alex smiled. “I know you feel like hell, but you’re still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, Maggie.” Maggie smiled sadly. “You have though right, seen other Women since you ended this? You have something to compare that line to now?” Alex didn’t wait a second before taking Maggie’s face in her hands, and getting so close to her that their lips were ghosting one another’s. “Maggie, nobody could ever compare to you.” Maggie closed the distance, and kissed Alex so delicately, they both wondered if it had happened at all. Maggie pulled back, and touched her fingers to her lips. Alex couldn’t read her expression. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. It only confuses things.” Alex took a step forward, placed her hands on Maggie’s cheeks, and kissed her until they were both breathless. “I’m not sorry at all.”


	5. Inception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut in shower stalls is dreamy, right?

Maggie allowed Alex to help her back to bed, only after Alex promised she would sleep in an actual bed that night. They both slept better than they had in months. When Alex stepped into the medbay the next morning and saw that Maggie was gone, her heart stopped. Eyes suddenly everywhere at once, she could feel herself beginning to panic. She felt a hand on her shoulder, and heard Kara saying her name. She slowly turned, eyes wide, and unable to speak. “It’s okay, Alex. She’s just getting cleaned.” Alex began to make long strides towards the shower. She needed to see Maggie, to feel her. She just got her back, and she could not survive losing her again. She burst through the door, and ran straight into the stream of water surrounding the detective, who had not had enough time to even register what was happening. Alex’s hands and eyes were everywhere. She didn’t speak. “Alex, are you okay?” The red head did not respond, continuing the search of her body, for Maggie was not sure. “Alex.” Maggie tried again, this time placing her hands on each side of Alex’s now soaked face. “Danvers, I’m here. What’s going on?”

Alex stopped, and stared, slowly realizing she had just barged in on very naked Maggie, in a very wet shower. She began to feel the water beating down on her, and the uncomfortable way her clothes were sticking to her. “I, uh. I’m sorry, Maggie. I didn’t mean to, I mean I did mean to find you, I should have knocked though, or maybe not ran into the shower with you. I just needed to see you, and feel you, because when I got to the medbay, you were gone, and I thought maybe you left because of me, because of last night.” Alex was shaking, and Maggie knew it wasn’t from the contrast of the cool air and hot shower. Maggie brought their lips together gently. Alex sighed into the kiss. Maggie pulled her into a hug, holding her tightly against her. Fuck, she had missed the way she felt in Alex’s arms. Tears sprang to her eyes, and she tried to choke them down, but Alex knew. She always did. Pulling back, Alex looked at Maggie softly. “Talk to me.” Maggie smiled, and shook her head, reaching for Alex’s neck, and pulling her down to her level. I’m tired of talking, Danvers. I want to feel.” She kissed her, like she was the air she needed to breathe. Alex stepped closer, backing Maggie against the cool tile of the shower, and Maggie hissed. Alex jumped back, fear in her eyes. “I’m sorry, Did I hurt you?” Maggie smiled, pain evident in her eyes, but something outweighed it. Desire.

Maggie didn’t speak. She walked towards Alex, predatory. Alex swallowed hard, not moving, simply waiting. Maggie’s hands reached for the zipper of her shirt, and pulled it down slowly, keeping her eyes on Alex. She pushed it off her shoulders, letting it fall to the shower floor. She ran her fingers down the taller woman’s abs, and groaned. “I know you’re going to say that I shouldn’t, that I need time to heal, but the fact is, the only thing I want to heal right now, is us. Not with words, but with actions. Long, slow, hard, desperate actions.” Alex’s heart was pounding so hard, she swore she could see it in her eyes. “So, Director. Tell me, do you want me to fuck you here, or do you want to take me home?” 

Alex was no longer in control of her body, she didn’t know how, but before she realized what she was doing, she had Maggie pressed back against the wall, one hand pinned over her head, and the other palming the naked woman’s ass. Maggie smiled into the kiss, and reached for Alex’s belt, pulling her closer. “I won’t break, Alex.” Alex groaned, she knew that meant Maggie wanted to feel her long after they were finished here. “Your ribs, they don’t need any further trauma.” Maggie stifled a moan. “It’s hot when you go all PHD on me, Danvers. It’s even hotter though, when you trust me to tell you what I want, and right now, all I want is to feel you inside of me.” “Fuck, Maggie.” Alex was conflicted, and Maggie knew it, so she slid her hand inside Alex’s pants, and cupped her through her underwear. Alex hissed, and tightened her grip on Maggie’s hand, as her hips bucked into Maggie’s hand. 

Alex leaned into the touch, and kissed the woman in front of her with all the desire she had. “I’ve missed the way we fit together.” Maggie smiled. “I’ve missed the way you come undone under my touch. The way your pulse quickens, the way you shake, the way your eyes dilate.” Alex was losing her resolve quickly. It was damn near a growl when she said the detective’s name, and that was all the incentive Maggie needed to flip their positions, and pin Alex against the wall. She kissed her neck, and collar bone, as she made quick work of undoing her pants, and pulling them down just enough that she could gain access to the part of Alex she needed most.

Maggie stopped her assault on Alex’s flesh, and stared at her intently, as she slipped the front of her bra up, exposing hardened nipples. “Spread your legs for me.” Alex moaned, and let her head fall back against the shower wall. Maggie smiled smugly, taking a nipple into her mouth, and letting it go with a pop. Alex shuttered, and Maggie thought a sound had never been sweeter. She repeated the action again, as she swirled Alex’s clit with her finger. “Mmm. You still get so wet for me. I have missed that. You’ve always been so ready, so willing.” Alex gripped the wall behind her for support. Maggie entered her slowly, one finger first, and then two. Her ribs were aching, and her core was on fire. She was so turned on by the way Alex was completely giving into her, that she didn’t know if she could get through this without letting her own pleasure wash over her.

She clenched her thighs, and continued to watch the way her fingers slid in and out of Alex effortlessly. The way they fit together, never lost on her. Alex was breathing raggedly, her hips involuntarily rolling into Maggie’s touch, she was biting her lips so hard she was sure they would bleed. She kept her eyes closed, afraid that if she opened them, this would all be a dream. Maggie’s voice bringing her back to the moment. “Look at me.” Alex shook her head no, and Maggie smiled sadly. She knew, of course she knew. Maggie gently swiped her thumb over Alex’s clit, causing her to hiss, and open her eyes. “There you are, beautiful. Stay with me, okay? I want to watch you let go.”

Alex shook her head, eyes blown wide, using all of her strength to keep herself upright, knowing Maggie’s core could not take it. “Maggie, I.” Maggie smiled, smugly. “I know, babe. I remember your tells.” Alex laughed lowly. Fuck, that was her undoing, and Alex knew it. Maggie quickened her speed, wincing as she did, leaning into Alex for extra support. “Maggie, I need.” Maggie cut her words off her lips, pressing into her swollen clit, and Alex began to come undone. Maggie giving her every bit of strength she had left to coax her through it. She left her fingers there, letting the aftershocks slow, planting small kisses on Alex’s chest and throat, eventually finding her lips. 

“I cannot tell you how much I’ve missed that, Danvers.” She looked up to find Alex staring down at her, with a look she hadn’t quite seen before, and it frightened her. The closer she looked, the more she started to see Alex fading away, quite literally disappearing before her eyes. She screamed Alex’s name, and bolted upright, wincing in pain as she did. She was at the DEO, and she was alone. It had been a dream. Her heart ached more than her side, and the tears began to fall with a ferocity she was afraid she would never be able to stop.


	6. Calibrations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cal-i-brate | Verb  
> -to mark with a standard scale of readings.

Maggie sat in the bed, holding her side, trying with all of her might to get her breathing under control. Her entire body was trembling, and she could feel herself slipping into that familiar panic state that would consume her, and throw every ounce of rationality she had out the window. Alex had always been able to pull her from the brink of those. Alex had also been the only person to ever be able to pull her out of them. She shook Alex from her thoughts, and found five blue things in the room she could focus on. Her heart rate began to slow. She reached around her to find five things she could touch. Her breathing began to even out. She slowly settled back into the pillows, and rubbed her eyes. "What the fuck is my life right now? Pull it together, Sawyer." She exhaled sharply, and shook her head.

"I don't know, Mags. I feel like after the last few days you've had, it's definitely okay to not be so together." Maggie's eyes popped over to Alex. She was in her DEO uniform, complete with lab coat. Maggie internally groaned. She was leaning in the doorway, and smirking up at her, head tilted slightly. Fuck. Alex never failed to take her breath away, and that dream she just woke from, was not helping. She cleared her throat, and clenched her thighs, trying to cover all she was feeling with her trademark dimples. Alex's face fell, and she started to approach Maggie. "I'm not buying it, Sawyer. Spill. Are you hurting?" 

Maggie felt her tears beginning to rim her eyes. She knew if she spoke, she would not be able to keep her composure, so she just shook her head no. Alex placed her hand on Maggie's and smiled softly. "Is it us?" Maggie's eyes went wide, and her mouth fell agape. "I.. uh. I didn't know there was an us." Alex tensed so hard, she let Maggie's hand go. "Oh, right. I just, I thought that maybe our talk last night meant we were on the right track to at least knowing one another again." Alex had never looked so small, so vulnerable. It made Maggie's heart ache. She reached for Alex's hand, and pulled into her own."Alex, I do want that. I do. I just didn't know that could be. This is stupid, but I had a dream last night that felt so real, I could have sworn it was so. When I woke up, and realized it was not so, I just kind of fell apart. I don't think I knew until then, just how much I wanted it to be true. I don't know how we do this. We can't just dive right back in. Life has changed for us both in huge ways the last few months. I just don't think I could do this again, and it not work out, Alex." 

Alex sat on the side of the bed, biting her lip in thought, slowly running her thumb across Maggie's hand. "So we start over. We talk, we get to know one another again. We talk about the hard stuff, the ugly stuff. We talk about the easy stuff too, the fun stuff. We talk about what we want, and what we don't want. We don't run when it doesn't feel good, but we agree to give one another space when we need it." Maggie eyed her thoughtfully. “You have always been impulsive, Alex. It is one of the things I love most about you.” Alex smirked, and gently leaned her shoulder into Maggie. “I seem to recall you being pretty impulsive too.” Maggie flushed, but did not back down from Alex’s gaze. “We did have some good times, huh?” Maggie reached for Alex’s hands, raised her palm to her mouth, and kissed it gently. “I would like to have more.” Alex’s eyes filled with tears. Maggie pulled her down, and gently cupped her cheek before kissing her slowly. Alex felt her knees go weak from the contact. All of those feelings rushing back, as if not time had passed, but also like years had. She shook the thoughts from her mind, and raised her hands to Maggie’s hair, threading her fingers in the dark chocolate locks she loved so much. 

They broke the kiss before it became too inappropriate for glass walls, and sat together in silence, their fingers intertwined. Maggie exhaled sharply and pulled her hands from Alex’s, she threaded them together in front of herself, as she did when she was nervous. “I fucked up, Alex. I really did. I fucked up at work, and I have made an ass of myself in front of more people than I care to admit. I ruined my bike, and I am clearly going to be out of commission for a good while.” Alex kept her eyes on her, expression soft, completely present, truly listening to every word. It made Maggie melt. “I have a lot to fix with me, and you have your own things going on. Us.. ending nearly consumed you too. What if we do this, and we do it again? I don’t think I could survive it, Alex. I’m not trying to be funny. I don’t know that I could come back from it with any semblance of who I was before it. That scares me. The way I love you, scares me.” 

Alex nodded, and stood, packing the few feet around the bed, running her fingers through her short red hair. It made Maggie smile internally, to know that this meant Alex was processing and plotting. “She turned and looked up at Maggie. “I don’t want to love you the way I loved you before, and I don’t want you to love me the way you loved me either. It was desperate and possessive, even if we didn’t realize it. We were two broken people who made homes out of one another. That isn’t healthy love, is it? That is more like possession. Losing you showed me that love is freedom. I don’t want to be your home, and I don’t want you to be mine.” Alex walked back to Maggie and kneeled down in front of her, placing her hands on Maggie’s knees. “I would like to grow with you though; individually, as well as together. I want to learn to navigate the world with you, and eventually create a home together.” 

Maggie couldn’t believe the way Alex was communicating with her. So open, honest, and vulnerable. She stared at her for a moment, draping her hands atop Alex’s, smiling gently at the contrast of their skin tones. She looked up to Alex, seeing her waiting patiently for her response. She noted how calm she was, how at ease. She was so nervous she thought she would vomit, and Alex was maybe calmer than she had ever seen her. “How are you this… together, Danvers? You usually vibrate at a higher frequency than your Sister can fly.” Alex smiled, and squeezed Maggie’s hands, standing up, and sitting beside her. She turned their hands, and traced the lines on Maggie’s palms. “I have always been afraid of the unknown. I am trained to wait for the next bad thing. I thrive in chaos. I am always on alert. I have seen some pretty wild shit in my time, things that I can never forget, Each time I thought I had seen the worst thing, something else would come along to challenge that.” Alex lightly ran her finger up Maggie’s arm and towards her ribs, her eyes filling with sorrow, as she gently let her hand rest just below the wound there, catching Maggie’s eyes, in a near whisper, she said, “Until I got the call about you.” 

Maggie breathed in sharply, Alex instinctively knowing to move her hand, and allow her room from the pain it would cause. “Everything stopped. Literally. Losing you was hell, it hurt in ways I never knew it could. Every single day I missed you, and wanted to call you more. To tell you I made a mistake, and beg you to come back. I was too much of a coward to admit I was wrong. I gave you a family, and then when I was sure you had absolutely lost your own, I took this one away too. It was cruel, and it was unforgivable. You walked into my life with the world in your palm, and you left it with two small bags. I took your home, your things, your love, your family, and your future. You deserved better. You still do, honestly.”

Maggie tried to speak, but Alex gently held up her hand. “I took everything from you, and I knew I would just take more if I tried to get you back, so I didn’t. I stayed hidden in a bottle, or buried in work. Anything to keep my mind off of you. Until I couldn’t anymore. I had far too much to drink, slept with someone I shouldn’t have, asked her leave, and found myself hovering over your contact in my phone. I wanted more than anything to call you, but I found a moment of rational thought, and deleted it. I laid down on the floor, and I cried until I couldn’t anymore. I hated myself for it all, for touching her, for doing this to you, for almost calling you to twist the knife a little more.” Alex scoffed, clearly getting angry with herself all over again. “The next morning I woke, and decided I was never going to be in that position again, so I found a meeting, and then a sponsor. I went to therapy too. It’s been the most helpful thing for me. I saw how patterns linked, and trauma was manifesting in my life, and I began the work to get through it. I was doing well. I felt balanced, and less angry. I was excited about the future, without fear of what the next worst thing was. Until I got the call about you. Nothing was worse than that. It was in that moment, I truly realized that I was okay with not having you in my life, as long as you were safe. You not being alive though, there was nothing worse than that.” 

Alex was crying now, really crying, and Maggie could not take it another minute. She painfully climbed into Maggie’s lap, and wrapped her arms around her, pulling her in close. “Alex, baby. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry I scared you this way. I’m sorry I caused another issue for you. I’m sorry.” Maggie was crying now too, and Alex fell into the hold, both of them finally letting the emotions they had desperately been holding back, go. “No, Mags. No. You have nothing to apologize for. You were perfect. You were patient, attentive, and kind. You loved me true, and you loved me well. I just didn’t think I was worthy of it.” Maggie pulled back, wiping her face, and smiling sadly at Alex. “Sweetheart, you are so easy to love. I knew I was gone for you the moment I first saw you. You’re so beautiful. So smart. So passionate. Loving you was never the issue, everything else was, but we are here now. Shit circumstances, sure- but here nonetheless. It may not be easy, in fact it won’t be, nothing worth having is. We want the same end result though, babe. We can talk this through, and we can try. I want to try.” Alex pulled her in for a searing kiss that took her breath away, and left no space in her body empty of the intense love and gratitude she felt for the woman in her arms. 

As they pulled away, both desperate for air, Alex smiled. She rested her forehead on Maggie’s, whispering, “We’re doing this?” Maggie smiled, and gently nodded her head. “We’re doing this.” As they sat there, holding one another, lost in the moment of bliss, they didn’t hear the sound of boots approaching. Winn and J’onn entering the room. “Alex, it’s Kara. She’s missing.”


End file.
